Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tale of the Citron - A True, Hilarious Story


My mom is making a Norwegian Christmas bread. She needs the boxed hot roll mix and citron. She doesn’t have transportation to go to the store and shop. She depends upon others to do it for her. So, I agree. This cannot be a tremendous task.

What is citron? I don’t know. I just know I have to get it for my mom. She says it’s in with the candied fruit for Christmas fruitcake.

I go to the Harris Teeter in Greensboro – world’s largest store. I ask and look. They’re sold out.
I go to my local Lowe’s. They have the green and red cherries and pineapple – and a large container of everything all mixed up. No citron.
I go to Walmart. They have the green and red cherries and pineapple – and a large container of everything all mixed up. No citron.

I bump into Hurleen. She’s from California and loves to cook things you typically don’t find to eat in Asheboro, North Carolina. She likes frogmore stew and loves to play in the kitchen.

“Oh, Greta, yes, you can get citron at Walmart.” She works there. “It’s in the large container of everything all mixed up. How’s Joel …” and I never get back to the Christmas cake section. Three days go by. Finally today I’m out looking. I start at Lowe’s because I know they have the large container with everything all mixed up.

I call my mom. I tell her no one knows anything about citron. The only place to find it is in the large container of everything all mixed up. She says to me that she actually could use the cherries and to get the large container of everything all mixed up in it. She didn’t know it didn’t come in its own container.

I should have known. Why me?

I go to Lowe’s. No way. How the hell did THAT happen? Sold out.
I go to Aldi’s. Sold out.
I go to Bottom Dollar. Sold out.
Finally I get courageous and venture to Walmart. The parking lot is a bloody nightmare. I hurriedly walk in to where the Christmas cake goodies are. Oh no! They’ve moved it! Where the hell did it go? There was a huge display with Christmas food – and it had the red and green cherries and pineapple and the large containers of everything all mixed up.

I bump into Linda who worked with me in Lexington. She gives me a hug. She tells me to go see the manager.

I can’t find anyone in customer service to talk to me. They’re all handling returns.

I’m going nuts. Gotta pee. Need to find where they put the large container with everything all mixed up. I cannot leave the store until I find it. So I go to the deli section. I ask “Where is the large container with everything mixed up in it that goes with the red and green cherries and pineapple for Christmas fruitcake?
She tells me to check the Christmas candy in the candy section.

I stop to pee.

I nearly run over to the candy section. Oh, I’ve put in my mile today just by looking for the damned large container of everything all mixed up in it.

Finally I spot them. I grab two – and cherish them. I cuddle them so tightly as I fear someone will come along and rip them out of my hands. At last I have the citron.

That bread – or the nog that will go with it - better be good!

No comments: